Trust, Wait, Hope

My Daddy had his second stroke on January 16, 2014. When he was in ICU, he was trying to tell me something, but I couldn't read his lips because of the ventilator. That really bothered me, because I felt like it was important to Daddy to tell me. I cried on the way home from the hospital that night because I kept thinking, "What if Daddy never talks again? He'll never get to tell me what he's trying to say!" The next day, my wise friend, Cathy Sue, suggested that I pray for peace, because I may never find out what he was trying to say. So, I prayed and asked God to grant me peace over not knowing what Daddy was trying to say, and while I was at it, I asked for peace over the whole situation, because I didn't know what I was going to do without my Daddy, and the doctor had made it clear that Dad's time on earth was small. Right then, I put my Daddy in God's hands, and prayed often during the last weeks of his life asking for strength, God's will, and the peace of the Holy Spirit.

Daddy was strong enough to be weaned off the ventilator in January, and after 21 days in a rehab facility, he was sent home. We let Daddy have hamburgers and milkshakes, which was a treat for him. On March 2, Daddy had been home for several days and was feeling well enough to go for a Sunday afternoon drive. It was a beautiful day, so Mom drove him to my house, and he got out of the van and sat outside in the shade. Our dog, Blue, was out chasing birds, but he stopped running long enough to let Daddy pet him. We all enjoyed being outside in the pretty weather after the bitter cold we'd had. Mom and Daddy didn't stay long, but it was a good visit. Mom took Daddy for ice cream on their way home, which Daddy especially enjoyed. That was Daddy's last outing.

On March 5, after only two weeks at home, Daddy was rushed to the Emergency Room because he was having difficulty breathing. His oxygen was too low and his carbon dioxide was too high, so he was put on a ventilator. It was clear after a few days in ICU that Daddy might not be strong enough to recover. He was conscious and could hear us, but he didn't have the strength to hold his eyes open or shake his head, and he wasn't breathing on his own at all. On March 10, Mom, Scott and I met with Daddy's primary care physician, who said that he and the pulmonologist had agreed that they would no longer aggressively treat Dad, and he would be placed on palliative care. We met with the palliative care team that afternoon, and we agreed that Daddy wouldn't want to be on the ventilator or have a trach surgically inserted, so they would take Daddy off the ventilator the morning of March 12.

Tuesday, March 11, Daddy had so many visitors! People came from far and wide to visit and share their love. It was bittersweet; we all knew that Daddy was weak and would probably not survive, but yet it was so wonderful to see all the friends and family pouring in to love on him. I don't think I slept more than an hour that night, because every few minutes, a sorrowful thought would sneak into my mind... my Daddy would probably die the next day. I had peace, but I just couldn't sleep, so I prayed. Peace, strength, grace and mercy... peace, strength, grace and mercy. Lots of grace and mercy, please Lord.

On March 12, 2014, I went to the hospital to be with my Daddy as they removed the ventilator. Daddy's eyes were bright that morning, and he was smiling! What a gift to see those bright eyes and sweet smile! I knew he was not breathing on his own, and I knew he would most likely not survive. But I had put my Daddy in God's hands, and I trusted that He would take the very best care of him. I even told Daddy that morning before they pulled the ventilator that if Jesus came for him, he should go with Him and not be afraid and I promised that Jesus would be there. Daddy nodded his head in agreement. He wasn't afraid, and he trusted God. That put my heart at ease, for sure. I knew my Daddy loved the Lord and his hope was secure. I prayed for a peacful, graceful exit for my Daddy.

That entire morning, we all kept our eyes on Jesus, trusting in His sovereignty. I've never been more focused on Jesus in my entire life. I was waiting to see what He would do, whether He would perform a miracle and heal my Daddy or gracefully sweep his soul to heaven. You could feel God's presence in Daddy's ICU room and in the waiting room. His presence was even palpable to strangers in the waiting room. Family and friends surrounded Daddy's bed, Mom held one hand and Leyden held the other. I couldn't speak, but others spoke comforting words, quoted scripture, and prayed. As Daddy's breathing grew more shallow, I played a recording of "It Is Well With My Soul" over and over until Daddy took his last breath. A peaceful, graceful exit... my Daddy's death was beautiful, and God was with us, sustaining us, covering us in peace, strength, grace and mercy.

I have a devotional book called "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young. Almost every day, the passage is relative to what I'm facing that day, sometimes eerily "spot on." I forgot to read my devotion the morning Daddy died, because I was so tired and in a hurry to see Daddy before they pulled the vent. A few days ago, I went back and read the devotion for March 12. You won't believe what it said:

"WAITING, TRUSTING, AND HOPING are intricately connected, like golden strands interwoven to form a strong chain. Trusting is the central strand, because it is the response from My children that I desire the most. Waiting and hoping embellish the central strand and strengthen the chain that connects you to Me. Waiting for Me to work, with your eyes on Me, is evidence that you really do trust Me. If you mouth the words 'I trust You' while anxiously trying to make things go your way, your words ring hollow. Hoping is future-directed, connecting you to your inheritance in heaven. However, the benefits of hope fall fully on you in the present. Because you are Mine, you don't just pass time in your waiting. You can wait expectantly, in hopeful trust. Keep your 'antennae' out to pick up even the faintest glimmer of My Presence."
 
"Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me." John 14:1

"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:14

"God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope set before us may be greatly encouraged. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where our forerunner, Jesus, has entered on our behalf. He has become a high priest forever, in the order of Melchizedek." Hebrews 6:18-20

The VERY DAY my faith in God was tested, God sent me this message through "Jesus Calling" to let me know that I can trust Him to take care of my Daddy! I trusted God to do what was best for Daddy, I waited for God to show us His will, and I knew that Daddy had the hope of heaven if his time on earth were through. Jesus thinks so much of me that he made a way to tell me through a devotion that I can trust Him, and that He is, indeed, my Sovereign God. Amen!